My association with Gateway began in the courthouse. They have this wonderful program by which, when batterers are arrested, the victims are subpoenaed to appear and there, in the courthouse, they meet with victims’ advocates from Gateway and they are interviewed and told about the services Gateway has to offer. My ex-husband was arrested on a night in July and by the beginning of August my two children and I were all in counseling at Gateway.
In our group at Gateway, we looked at the personality traits of batterers. First of all, they are wonderfully charming. They win us over and seem so very attractive, even irresistible. That charm makes them so endearing that we find ourselves swept away and that’s how the manipulation begins. So, then, the second trait of batterers is their ability to manipulate. In my case, it began very subtly with something as innocent as his being upset that I fixed something for dinner that he didn’t like. I felt so guilty and sad for disappointing him and after that I tried really hard to be the person he wanted me to be. Thus the control. To say batterers are controlling is almost an understatement. Their sense of self worth comes from controlling those around them.
I was married to a wonderful man. He was very intelligent, hard-working, fun, adventurous-but about two months after our wedding, during an argument that wasn’t going the way he wanted, he pushed me to the ground. I cried and he apologized and I was sure it would never happen again, because he was a smart guy. In the back of my mind, though I think I started to worry, because even if I had made a mistake in marrying him, I was stuck because divorce was not an option. It wasn’t for him either, so I was really sure he was as committed as I was to making things good.
After the shoving incident, there was no more physical violence until my first pregnancy a couple of years later. He liked to use wrestling holds and that night he wrestled me to the floor and knelt on my stomach and screamed obscenities at me. I was devastated but I believed I had to hang in there because I had a baby on the way and divorce was not an option for either of us. It’s not unusual for physical violence to begin, or to get worse during pregnancy.
There was no more physical violence for a long time after that, but something else had been going on the whole time. There had been many times when my husband and I would be discussing something and to this day, I don’t know how he did it, but I would inevitably find myself on the defensive and in tears and feeling totally frustrated and helpless.
He told me once, toward the end of our marriage, that he liked to make me cry and he became very good at it. His ability to twist the facts was actually quite amazing and skillful. This was one of the ways he was able to manipulate me and, thus to control me. Being able to make me cry and make him feel powerful because he could beat me up without laying a finger on me.
His idea of discipline was also rather perverse. When our son resisted his orders, something that became more common as he got older, if my husband couldn’t control him by yelling or making threats, he would twist his arm behind his back and put his hand over his mouth to make him stop crying. Not only did my son not stop crying, he cried louder so his father would let go long enough to punch him in the shoulder or upper arm. I always tried to stop my husband and he would yell at me to stay out of it and he’d say one of two things—“Shut up or you’re next” or “Shut up or I’ll hit him again”, and I knew he would so I always backed off.
My daughter was kind of a daddy’s girl and although he scolded her from time to time, which usually made her cry, he never physically abused her. She did witness a lot and she still remembers. She remembers him telling me to sew a button and when I suggested that saying please might be nice, he said, “Just do it”. She remembers being little and in the checkout line at the grocery store with a cart full of groceries when we had to leave because he had taken the checkbook, credit cards and every dollar bill and coin out of my wallet. She remembers him twisting her brother’s arm and him slapping me. She remembers when I had a temporary job and him hiding my keys so I couldn’t leave for work. She remembers when he said he’d pick me up after work to go to a party and then, without even calling, going without me. And I remember her getting up one morning and asking me, “What are you going to do about Dad?”
In our family, the abuse, especially the verbal and emotional violence, evolved over a very long time and before it was over my husband had managed to make me feel like I was walking on eggshells. I was so fearful of making waves. Even after our divorce, I remember being afraid just hearing his voice. Over the years I had been kicked, slapped, punched, belittled, ignored and totally demoralized and I still didn’t think of myself as a battered woman, just a very miserable one.
When we had our son in counseling for his “behavior problems” his counselor asked if I would like to be in a group for battered women. I thought he was nuts. I never had been hospitalized or had a broken bone or teeth, and the only black eye I ever had was when I rounded a corner just as a shelf fell, and I hadn’t been pushed down the stairs, although not because he didn’t try. Then one day I noticed a short article in the paper about domestic violence, about how it begins with a shove and progresses to a slap and then to a closed fist slug and then to the use of weapons, sometimes over a period of many years, sometimes all this develops within just a few minutes. Another day I was watching Donahue, the original TV talk show where people could call in with questions and such. The topic was domestic violence and they told a woman caller who had been slapped ONCE in an argument that she was a battered woman. I then began taking the hint and thought maybe I qualified as being battered. What’s more important, I was becoming more and more aware of what all this was doing to the kids.
Through it all, I never talked about it to my family or friends, because I really believed he would get it and everything would get better. Later I learned many of them suspected, but none of their suspicions included physical violence. Some of them had witnessed the verbal violence or him ignoring me, but no one said anything.
Divorce finally became an option because I knew it couldn’t go on. One thing about abuse—it doesn’t get better and it doesn’t stay the same. Without intervention it only gets worse. All those apologies that women get, they don’t usually mean a thing. They’re usually part of the manipulation and used to reinforce the control the abuser has, or wants. He says “I’m sorry” and we say, “OK” because we want everything to be good again and then, inevitably, the tension builds again and so it goes. Even though I had been so sure he would figure it out, I was the one with the problem. I couldn’t do anything right, at least, that was what he kept telling me.
His rages were so random that I never knew what would set him off—or when. It felt as if I were always holding my breath, waiting and wondering. I guess that was another way he manipulated me and kept control.
One night in July, my husband was arrested after one of those typical nights of twisting my son’s arm, yelling and slugging him. He then said I would be next and that night, I was. No sooner was my husband out of the house than my son became violent towards his sister and me. He had spent 12 years learning that being a bully was the way to deal with life. In the years that followed, basically his teenage years, he was in counseling at Gateway and AMEND. It was a tough several years and we called the police several times. One of the worst times was when he kicked his sister and the police officer told her she shouldn’t upset him so. That’s what we call victim blaming—like when a guy is arrested and his buddies ask the victim why SHE got her husband arrested.
I must point out that there is one major difference between my son and his father. Thanks to Gateway and AMEND, my son has the information about domestic violence and he long ago said, “I have a problem and I want help”. His dad never had a problem; still doesn’t. He still blames me for the divorce and for his not having had visitation with the kids, although he never completed the AMEND counseling he had been court-ordered to do in order to have visitation. Imagine what that has said to my kids, that their dad wasn’t willing to do what he was supposed to do in order to see them. Again, he had to be in control.
Unlike many battered women who really do need to fear for their lives, especially when they leave their batterers, I never thought he’d come after me to kill me, although he told me several times he thought it would be neat to work for the mob. When I filed for divorce, he promised to make me destitute and he is still trying. He is still trying to control me with money, one of his favorite methods. When my son needed help with some college expenses, his dad said he would help if he could use the payment to offset his child support debt. Right now it is over $126,000 but is basically uncollectible because he is self-employed, has hidden all his assets and pays a small pittance every month to avoid sanctions—he has managed to manipulate the system and take control.
I am alive because of Gateway, and I don’t mean just physically. Gateway saved me, and helped me save myself from continuing that life of abuse. Some of the greatest benefits of my time with Gateway are all the wonderful people I’ve met and the good friends I have made. We have done a lot of growing together and I am grateful to and for all of them.
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Last Updated ( Saturday, June 09 2007 )
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Survivor Stories 
