By Penny Heffernan -- Gateway volunteer and Survivor of Domestic violence

I read somewhere that courage is not the absence of fear but it is going ahead with something even though you are filled with fear.

Those who are or have been in a domestic violence situation know plenty about fear.  I am gripped with fear wondering what mood he will be in when he gets home. I’ve learned quickly to tread lightly as I try to read his moods.  Is he upset about work? Did I forget to do something he asked me to do?  Did the kids upset him?  Panic stifles the air in my lungs as once again I recognize the fire of rage in his eyes.  I know what to expect. It’s only a matter of time.

What is more terrifying is that I’ve managed to live, day after day, with fear as my constant companion.  I don’t remember what it was like before this fear invaded my soul.  I can only dream of how it must be to live in peace and quiet.  Do others relax and enjoy the day and then drift off in a sound and restful sleep?

The stress of living in daily fear is taking its toll on my health --- I have heart palpitations, I’m jumpy all the time; can’t eat or sleep much; my nervous stomach is always acting up, and I have frequent headaches.  I feel like a very old woman.  I’m bent over with the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I move slowly…carefully…fearfully.

How long can I live like this?  They tell me that I deserve better.  A little voice inside of me tells me that I think they’re right.  That voice is so tiny that it takes all of my strength to hear it.

But I do hear the words and I listen!  I’ve decided to make the break!  Now I am faced with new fears:  Can I make it on my own?  Can I survive without hearing someone tell me that they love me?  Do I really have what it takes to make a life for myself?  I surprise myself and answer “yes”.

I realize that the new fears facing me are nothing compared to the ones I left behind.  Along with new fears, however, there is plenty of HOPE.  Hope to fulfill what I once only dreamed about:  a home that is comfort, peaceful, and SAFE.

There is always fear of the unknown, but I am moving toward a better place.  Maybe I do have that thing that they call “COURAGE!”